23:56 – The less said about that the better I think.
23:47 – Mr Caffeine puts the Ubisoft beast out of its misery.
23:46 – Actual gameplay now. We’re in what looks like a Mediterranean city. It’s as meticulously detailed as Rome and Florence, Ubisoft really know how to make a city breath. Ezio throws some kind of incapacitating bottle at some guards and combat ensues. It’s all swooping cameras and well timed slow motion. The Brotherhood are back and Ezio mans some kind of mounted flamethrower. Stealthy. Looks like Brotherhood, but that’s no bad thing.
23:38 - Moody trailer, looks like someone’s about to be executed. Cut to a man on a ship. Now he’s climbing a mountain. It’s Ezio, right? Oh, he’s been shot. Ezio’s old, I spy a grey beard but he’s still kicking ass.
23:36 - “Ezio is on a personal quest to discover the secrets left behind by the legendary Altier.”
23:35 – Ah finally, the reason everyone has endured these painful 80 minutes: Assassin’s Creed Revelations. People actually cheer. I forgot what that sounded like.
23:32 – Now we’re talking about Your Shape. And I thought Microsoft’s conference was tedious.
23:30 – Dave Navarro has been paid to say Rocksmith is great.
23:28 – Now Ubisoft are talking about Rocksmith.
23:26 – Mr Caffeine is threatening to pull people out of the audience and make them dance. Instead he’s just announced Just Dance 3. Dancing montage trailer. October 11. 2011. Hoozah.
23:20 – I think they’re flaunting its community built race tracks with a trailer now. Cars are going fast. It’s all a little Wipeout with physics defying loop the loops and colossal jumps. Out this September.
23:19 - “Trackmania 2 takes what’s good about web 2.0 and brings it to racing.”
23:18 – Trackmania 2 announced. What’s a Trackmania?
23:17 – Mr Caffeine is cracking some more jokes and NOBODY is laughing. This is so awkward. And I’m 5000 miles away.
23:15 – Lots of invisibility cloaks and quick cuts. Very dramatic, looks like Ghost Recon.
23:13 – Ghost Recon Online announced for PC. Free to play.
23:11 – Seems like a pretty standard third person shooter from what’s been shown here.
23:09 – The ghost team have invisibility cloaks now. More shooting. Confirmation that there is a cover system. Not sure you need it.
23:08 – Ubisoft like their jungles don’t they? Team Ghost are moving up through a riverside village. It looks like Rainbow Six: Vegas in third person. There’s a lot of HUD data. Doesn’t seem all that tactical, the guy’s are just running and gunning through a village. No civilian casualties. Couldn’t say if there’s a cover system just yet.
23:04 – Ghost Recon Future Soldier four player co-op demo now.
23:02 – Mr Caffeine is back. I don’t much care for caffeine and I don’t much care for you Mr Caffeine.
23:01 – Film tie-in time. Hey it’s Steven Spielberg! Not at E3, obviously, just on the screen. And now Peter Jackson! He’s not actually there either. They’re talking about the TinTin game. It looks alright. Snowy’s a playable character.
22:59 – We’re in a European bar, someone just took a hatchet in the face and another unfortunate Nazi a tazer to the balls. I’m not sure which I’d opt for given the choice, I guess a tazer to the balls wouldn’t kill you. This is one hell of a bar brawl though.
22:56 – Randy Pitchford is up. He’s chatting about a World War Two game starring a “special squad of soldiers” that very much enjoy killing nazis. The Furious Four apparently, Inglorious Basterds comes to mind.
22:55 – The demo guy hijacked a helicopter and crashed, that was silly. Looks like we’re about to be captured again. More swearing. And hey, it’s Far Cry 3. Not sure how I feel about that. The first half of the trailer was great, the second half certainly wasn’t.
22:53 – Escape! That was lucky. It all looks a bit like a comic book rendition of Far Cry 2 now, with its boundless jungles, blue skies and shimmering water. Seems open world. I should probably know what it is by now. I don’t.
22:52 – Tropical paradise island, some people get shot, you’re captive. Lots of swearing. Now the player is drowning, he’s going to want to get that rope around his hands untied pronto.
22:50 – This guy on stage now has the deepest voice you’ve ever heard. He makes Christian Bale’s Batman look like the fourth Powerpuff Girl. “Your girlfriend is missing, your boat has been destroyed, you’re trapped on an island and everyone is crazy.” Cue trailer.
22:48 – Mr Caffeine is back. Shame.
22:47 – Madness, it actually looks good. High speed chases, trucks smashing through road blocks, American muscle cars, ridiculous jumps. Looks a touch like Hot Pursuit.
22:44 – He’s talking about Driver San Francisco now.
22:43 – This is painful: “Play with my Wii, we should connect, touch my wand. I’m not afraid of a few dick jokes.” Nobody laughs. This guy’s Kevin Butler Mk. II.
22:42 – Some guy called Aaron Priceman is on the stage, apparently he’s known as Mr Caffeine. He’s taking us on an Ubisoft history lesson. Hamfisted Charlie Sheen joke, bunch of old films and consoles on the screen. Not sure where this is going.
22:41 – Four player co-op apparently. Seems to be following in the footsteps of Super Mario Bros on the Wii. Looks good though.
22:40 – Better late than never. Ubisoft just kicked things off with a look back at their 25 years in the industry and have since moved on to demoing Rayman Origins. I haven’t played a Rayman game since the bastard-hard original title. This sure is colourful though, reminds me of Ren & Stimpy. Even had Rayman and his colourful buddy beating each other to a pulp a moment ago.