Pt. I


So, you want to make the computer games? You’ve come to the right place. I can tell already that you’re a winner, a go-getter, a man’s man and such and such. The truth is anybody can make computer games. It’s certainly not some death-march into the stinking bowels of hell’s foulest swine. Promise. All you need are a few free days and a little prior knowledge. Don’t worry though, I have all the knowledge you’ll need and it’s right here in this guide. You don’t need to squander 100,000,000 Yankee shekels to sit about in your pants and masturbate like an ape in a zoo exhibit to be a computer games maker! No siree, those university courses aren’t for us. I’m going to turn you into a multi-millionaire computer games maker in just three simple steps. All you’ve got to do is heed my award-winning advice…

You’ve read the newspapers. You’ve pondered the statistics. You’ve heard of Call of Duty: Black Cops. You’re an intelligent and handsome human being looking to make your riches. You’ve stayed awake at night wondering, how hard can it really be? Well my friend, making games is as easy as taking a wee in the shower and I’m here to make it even easier for you.

By following each of the steps outlined in my exhaustive guide (endorsed by thousands of real life computer game makers), I can guarantee that your game will score higher than 84% (aka average) on Metacritic – the industry’s failsafe quality barometer. A life of fast cars, loose women and luxury condos awaits you my good friend and your journey begins here with The Neophyte’s Illustrated Guide to Making the Computer Games Part One where I’ll guide you swiftly through The Pre-Production. It’s not all that important, but we might as well do it.

Next: The Pre-Production

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