A lighthearted look at selected news stories from the week gone by; the odd parts, the important parts, the hilarious parts. Mostly the hilarious parts.
It’s been a week of fisticuffs, of David’s vs. Goliaths; a week of petty disputes and pettier Tweets. Why, just this morning I observed with strange fixation as IO Interactive duked it out with “Dan the Man” from New Orleans. Dan, in no uncertain terms, told IO that Kane & Lynch 2 was shit. Dumbass has a point. But Dan the Man didn’t stop at merely insulting IO, oh no. Dan went on to admit that the game was so bad he was glad to have stolen it. But then, possibly acknowledging the unbridled ineptitude of his very-much public claim, he denied the accusation, removed the incriminating tweet and attempted to mask the whole ordeal in a tirade of insults. Now if I were IO I don’t think I’d have given old Danny boy the time of day but such is this crazy world we live in, even vacuous cretins like Dan the Man have an avenue to pester everyone and anyone.
And so in honor of Dan this edition of Yesterday’s News Today is partially dedicated to some of the other prolific battles fought out by keyboard warriors, holidaying hackers and overzealous industry types over the last seven days. Enjoy and remember, if you disagree with what I have to say, call me a cunt on Twitter (don’t forget to link to this page though).
Round 1: Sony vs. Geohot
I’m going to miss Geohot. When the inevitable day arrives and Sony have him impounded until the day Star Trek comes true, I’ll shed a tear because his antics have been nothing but comedy. Sure he’s a loudmouth, conceited dick but if you’re going down, you might as well go down in style. It’s the plucky underdog scenario and I don’t think Sony have been tactful with their attempts to haul Geohot through the legal system.
Earlier this week the multinational giants accused Hotz of doing what all criminals do when they’re in trouble: fleeing to Mexico.
It’s true (sort of), Geohot is somewhere south of North America and the timing is awfully convenient, but the man himself went on record to set things straight:
“Factually, it’s true I’m in South America, on a vacation I’ve had planned and paid for since November […] I mean, it is spring break; hacking isn’t my life.
“And of course [Sony] loves the idea of painting me as an international fugitive. I have been in contact with my lawyers almost every day; I would not let the case suffer. That said, I also won’t let this ridiculous lawsuit run my life either. Then the fearmongers win.”
Indeed they do Geohot, indeed they do. Enjoy South America, and perhaps never come back.
Round 2: Raging Homophobe vs. Dragon Age 2
You know it. I haven’t even played Dragon Age 2 and I know it. We all know it. There is just too much gaying going on in Dragon Age 2. It’s uncomfortable. It’s gross. But more importantly it neglects Dragon Age’s main demographic: the straight male gamer. Why, only yesterday I was pondering over all the times when I’ve felt neglected playing videogames. We’re undoubtedly the victims of extreme prejudice and Bioware are the main perpetrators. ALL THIS GAYING MUST END.
So claimed internet joke Bastal over on the Bioware forums. It’s worth reading his full diatribe because it’s an astoundingly benighted artifact. But if you don’t have the time of day for Bastal and his homophobic jibber jabber then here are a few of my favourite quotes:
“It makes things very awkward when your male companions keep making passes at you. The fact that a “No Homosexuality” option, which could have been easily implemented, is omitted just proves my point.”
Ah of course, the no homosexuality option. An entirely reasonable addition to any game and an option Adolf Hitler selected when he began playing revered title The Third Reich. Neglected.
“Its ridiculous that I even have to use a term like Straight Male Gamer, when in the past I would only have to say fans.”
Oh weren’t those the days, those halcyon days where a straight gamer could find refuge in videogames: a world free from the raging gayer. And now look, we’re infested with them. Everywhere! Invading OUR hobby, playing OUR consoles and, who knows, maybe even making OUR games. I hear the new Gears of War is going to feature a metrosexual Marcus Fenix dressed in pink, frolicking across the countryside with Dom. And get this, instead of chainsaw assault rifles they have drilldos. Neglected.
“When I say BioWare neglected The Straight Male Gamer, I don’t mean that they ignored male gamers. The romance options, Isabella and Merrill, were clearly designed for the straight male gamers in mind. Unfortunately, those choices are what one would call “exotic” choices. They appeal to a subset of male gamers and while its true you can’t make a romance option everyone will love, with Isabella and Merrill it seems like they weren’t even going for an option most males will like.”
Damn them all to hell! What happened to the good old days of Mass Effect 2? Why, in that game Mr Commander Shepard had real choice of where and into who he inserted his pork sword: there was the white redhead, the white brunette, there was the white weirdo with no hair for the exotic fans and there was Tali (who we all know was white underneath the mask, which made it okay). But here, urgh, here we’ve only got “exotics”. How can the straight 13 year old male bash one out in those 14 second lovemaking scenes if he’s got to stare at an “exotic” woman. Neglected.
For reasons unknown Bioware writer David Gaider responded and he did so in a remarkably levelheaded manner too. You can read his response here but for now Bastal, you’ve been KO’d.
Snack Sized News Bites:
Capcom has brought Christmas time early by announcing plans to remake Resident Evil 4 and Code Veronica in glorious HD. Now I’d have paid full price for Resi 4 HD – no questions asked – but Capcom brought the snow and the mince pies too. The two games will be released via XBLA and PSN (potential Move support?), which means discounted prices and prompts the question: when can we expect Resident Evil 1 and 2? And Dino Crisis.
The printed manual is becoming an endangered species with EA Sports following in Ubisoft’s footsteps, who last year ditched the environmentally unfriendly way of reminding us all how to play our games. Good riddance I say, as if anyone takes in all those button combos and “tricks” in the FIFA manual.
Earlier in the week Apple gave the green light to a “gay cure” app, declaring it to have “no objectionable content”. The family-friendly app was conjured up by anti-gay folk over at Exodus International and has since been pulled (perhaps due to the 80,000+ signatures stamped on a petition). Victory for the good guys then, and another blow to Bastal. What a sorry week for that man.
Duke Nukem got delayed. No news there.
Disbelief rippled around the world when Microsoft announced that there was life in the Fable, Halo, Gears of War and Forza franchises yet. Eagerly anticipated sequels in both the Gears of War and Forza series are primed for late 2011 releases and whispers of a Halo: CE remake have been circulating recently, yet little news has emerged from Lionhead in the wake of Fable 3. But honestly, you’d have to be an extra special kind of silly not to expect more from the four core franchises at the heart of Xbox.
Here’s a man after my own heart. Filip Johannes Felberg has spent the past two years creating the entire (and he means entire) cast of the Pikmin games out of Lego. What a hero. Felberg hasn’t mentioned what he intends to do with his love-children, but as a lifelong Lego fan I’d hazard the guess that he’s going to spend an awful lot of time gazing fondly at his creations before accidentally breaking one and entering a deep dark world of sorrow.
And finally, as there’s been so much vitriol vomited about the net this week, here’s an altogether more friendly conversation spotted between Ken Levine and Cliff Bleszinski. One may even say it’s too friendly. Don’t show Bastal.
You can view all previous Yesterday’s News Today features by clicking on the features bar at the top of this page and navigating to the aptly titled “Yesterday’s News Today” menu.