28/03-03/04/11

A lighthearted look at selected news stories from the week gone by; the odd parts, the important parts, the hilarious parts. Mostly the hilarious parts.


 

This week has been slower than a season of Lost. Here’s what I’ve plundered from the depths of sleepy town anyhow:

 

Ryu Hayabusa Misplaces His Testicles, Have You Seen Them?

Within the recesses of my heart burns an enduring flame of adoration for Ryu Hayabusa and his heiny-kicking no-nonsense everyone-must-die-except-the-buxom-blonde mentality. Plus he’s a deft hand with a twelve foot sword and doesn’t dabble with the kind of sissy swordplay as seen in Dragon Age and Oblivion. Ninja Gaiden’s is real virile swordplay. Evisceration! Decapitation! Mass Genocide!!! I like to think we share a thing or two, Ryu and I.

But there’s something patently absent within all the bloodshed and savagery, what could it be? Is it more bloodshed? More decapitations? Or perhaps more scantily clad, woefully built, dinosaur-slaughtering blondes with independently jiggling breasts? Surely it’s that one.

Regrettably not. The correct answer is feelings. Raw human emotion.

To the untrained eye Ryu Hayabusa is little more than Chuck Norris with a blade. But on the inside, oh what it must be like to be this veteran of disemboweling, kaiser of mind boggling awesomeness. Observe closely in this trailer, look beyond the healthy serving of evisceration and spine-tingling agony, beyond the flood of gore and sickly crimson, beyond the bone-crunching echoes and cutthroat murder and you’ll see that there is more to Ryu than just pain delegation. Study hard and you’ll witness bona fide human tears creeping out from Ryu’s eye sockets like sad tiny hamsters. Maybe.

Luckily for us all, Ninja Gaiden 3 promises to explore this poignant side of Ryu Hayabusa and aims to prove that Ryu is more than just a ninja with a sword. And nun-chucks. And another sword. And flails. And an explosive bow and arrow combo. And a penchant for wrapping another man’s entrails around his weapon and crying AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA.

Yosuke Hayashi dealt the news and credited it as “trying to take the violent concepts even deeper and make people realize how it feels to actually kill someone and what it is to actually gut someone.”

Which raises only one question: How does Yosuke Hayashi know what it feels like to insert his fist into the depths of another man’s stomach and tear his small intestines out through his nostrils?

He goes on: “it’s very important to us that people realize that violence is not only about blood and gore.”

Yes indeed, it’s also about ten-foot dragons, half-man half-pigs and those fucking annoying clingy ghost fish things, right?

This is getting silly. If you can’t accept that Ninja Gaiden is a game revered for its absurd tendencies, about ripping a man’s face off, dismembering giant purple broadsword wielding mutants and driving a 50 foot piece of metal through the heart of a big red dragon, just go make something else.

 

Game Tell Employees to Buy 3DS Consoles From Tesco

The 3DS launched, I guess that’s pretty big news. Better than that though, Eurogamer unearthed a plot of the most despicable proportions, conjured up by the evildoers over at Game. A document of pure wickedness (evidenced in the article) was bandied around Game stores UK-wide giving the go ahead for employees to use company money to purchase 3DS consoles at Tesco for the low-low price of £175, then sell them in store preowned for a buck or thirty more. Nefarious!

That’s pretty sketchy practice but from the devil-worshipers over at Game HQ shouldn’t come as much of a shock.

Anyway, Eurogamer did a little more investigative journalism and the folks over at Tesco leapt at the opportunity to poke a red-faced Game in the ribs.

“We always provide Tesco customers with the best value,” a Tesco spokesperson told Eurogamer. “We think you could say this is game, set and match.”

Ho ho ho… Shoot me now.

 

Man Says Tecmo are Shit

Last week I shone the spotlight on Dan the Man and his abusive tirade against Eidos and Kane & Lynch. Dan the Man has been bettered. The perpetrator in this week’s act of public disgruntlement is, sadly, anonymous but his message is abundantly clear: Tecmo Koei suck. Launching invective with all the subtlety of an elephant in a dog race, the Tecmo Koei disapprover vandalised the company’s building with some staggeringly resentful messages including the heartfelt “die” and cutting “shit game”. Which game though?

We reached out to Tecmo Koei for a statement but when the phone was answered all we could make out were the high-pitched wails of sorrow echoing through the halls of TK HQ. It was heart wrenching.

Spray-painting “shit” is somewhat mean-spirited and a remarkably vintage method of insulting one’s foe. Someone ought to inform the Tecmo Koei fiend of Twitter’s many applications.

 

You can view all previous Yesterday’s News Today features by clicking on the features bar at the top of this page and navigating to the aptly titled “Yesterday’s News Today” menu.

 

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